And If Thou Endure It Well, God Shall Exalt Thee On High

One of the many blessings that have come to me as I have been serving my mission is the awesome people that I get to meet and teach. A year ago I had the chance to meet one of those awesome people. Her name is Alexandra. As many of you know it is not easy to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. But as Alexandra has gone through hard times she has also come to know the wonderful blessings that come to those who follow God’s commandments. And her testimony in the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ continues to grow. And I would like to share with everyone her wonderful Testimony:

After graduating from university, I felt lost and without control.  I knew what I wanted to do next but actually doing it was a completely different thing.  I decided I needed to step back from life for a while and ended up going to Hawaii with my mother to visit family.  On the morning of July 24^th, I woke up and realized that I needed a change in my life.  What I didn’t know at the time was that July 24^th is known as Pioneer Day, and archaically it has been known as the Day of Deliverance.  It also happens to be my birthday.  On that day I felt an assurance that I would somehow be delivered out of the dark fog that was surrounding me.  I didn’t know what was coming, but I couldn’t wait to see what it would be.

            August 9^th, sixteen days after my birthday, I had one of those days that made me remember why I went on vacation in the first place.  I don’t remember why I was so busy but this I do remember: that was the night that changed my life.  Despite my exhaustion, I somehow ended up on a website called Mormon.org.  I don’t know how I ended up on that page or why I filled in that form but something in my brain told my fingers to do and my fingers willingly obliged.  I remember staring blankly at my screen wondering if I should click the “start chat” button to talk with missionaries.  It was 9:30 at night, I was exhausted and clearly unaware of what I was doing and I had no idea what to expect or what I hoped to gain from talking to a missionary.  But after a few minutes (though it seemed like an eternity) I started that chat.  As I waited to be connected I began to have my doubts and started to question if I should really be doing this.  Before I could even try and close the chat window a message popped up saying:

Agent [Troy] is ready to assist you.

It was at that moment that a mini light bulb went off in my head.  I realized that I was there because I needed assistance in one way or another.  When Troy asked me what brought me to chat online I told him that I wasn't sure but I knew I needed a change, an escape from my life and ended up here.  After the chat ended, with a promise to talk again the next day, I went to bed feeling calm and optimistic and I knew that my search was over and I had truly found what I was looking for.

            I had two more sessions that week and the next week I had a session every other day.  I was learning about things I never even knew existed and I loved it.  Instead of approaching things with doubt, I opened my mind and my heart and I treated every piece of information told to me like it was gold.  I was reading chapters from The Book of Mormon and I began to pray every day.  I knew deep down that ultimately this was the right thing to do and the payoff would be worth it.  As I was reading and being taught everything began making sense and I could apply the teachings to my life and all of a sudden, things began to click.

            Ten days after out first chat session, I was asked if I would prepare myself to be baptized by one having the authority.  This didn’t come as a surprise to me because we had been talking about baptism and the missionaries knew how beneficial it would be for me and how much better my life would be and I would feel the blessings.  What did surprise me was they wanted me to be baptized in three weeks.  I hadn’t been talking to the missionaries that long so how could they possibly think that I was ready?  I knew that this would be the right thing to do eventually but was now the right time?  Was I really prepared?  I knew that this I needed help making this decision so I prayed.  I prayed to know that this was really what I was supposed to do and this was the time to do it, I prayed to know that this is what God wanted me to do, and I prayed to know that I could have His help to do it.  I didn’t need my answer to come with fireworks or trumpets blaring.  I just wanted that assurance to know that now was the right time.

            A few hours later my phone rang and on the other end was Elder Dixon, a missionary in San Jose who got my number from the online missionaries.  I had expected a call eventually just because I knew that not everything could be done over a Mormon.org chat window.  But the fact that I got the call just hours after I had asked God for help was all the answer I needed.  I knew that now was the time and I agreed to meet them.  I went to church that Sunday and I knew that this is where I was supposed to be.  Even though I was nervous I knew that I was making the right decision to be baptized.  As I talked with the online missionaries that night, the words they typed were a comfort and it was then that I knew what I wanted.  Both Troy and Caleb had given me so much to think about, and Caleb continues to help me to this day, and I’m grateful that I was able to listen and learn and in doing so, I truly began to feel closer to God.

            I wanted to believe that my faith was firm and unwavering but I couldn’t truly push my fear away and it was a constant battle to stay strong.  Luckily, the online missionaries seemed to have an answer to everything and directed me to a speech given my Elder Holland.  He said that “in the process of revelation and making important decisions, fear plays a destructive, sometimes paralyzing role…Of course our faith will be tested as we fight through these self-doubts and second thoughts…At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and give up.  At those times dear will be the strongest of the adversary’s weapons against us.”  I knew that God would provide me with the means and the power to get through my baptism, but I also knew that I would not be without opposition.  Even with this hope, I still couldn’t push my fear away.  Every time I talked with the missionaries they would always ask me “are you excited for your baptism?” and while I wanted to say yes, I couldn’t.  Despite the words of comfort, and constant reminders to bend at the knees, there wasn’t much anyone could really do for me.  I knew that this would be something I had to solve with the help of Heavenly Father.

            One thing that didn’t help comfort me was my family.  My parents are still the firm atheists that I have always known them to be and when they learned I was investigating the church, they were furious.  I was constantly being lectured and they told me I was a disappointment to the family.  I tried to explain to them how this would change my life and how much better I would feel but they wouldn’t listen.  Despite this fierce opposition I chose to move forward.  Part of me wished that it were a harder choice to choose between my family and the church.  But it was never a question: joining the church was not only what I wanted to do, but it was something I needed to do.

            I knew that this was an opportunity that I didn’t want to pass me by.  I didn’t want to be forced to live with regret and think back upon what might have been.  So I kept praying and reading and doing everything I could to help me.  The Monday before my baptism I was asked once again if I was excited and for the first time I answered yes without any doubt or hesitation.  I was still nervous but as long as I put my trust in the hands of Heavenly Father he would help me through.

            The true test of my will was on 9-10-11, the day of my baptism.  Once I held that jumpsuit in my hands, it hit me that this was really happening.  After I had changed I looked at myself in the mirror and it was as if I was staring at someone else’s reflection.  I could see that I had grown into a new person.  I had gone through so much just to get to where I was and I didn’t want to make the mistake of turning back now.  As often as I make mistakes in life, Heavenly Father is there to forgive me and help me move on.  I had built a foundation on Christ and learned to rely on Him and learned that He is the way, the truth, and the light.  I had come so far from where I started and I knew that this was the first step in helping me to grow.

            Eventually the time came when I had to force my feet to walk one in front of the other as I followed Elder Dixon down into the font.  I felt so heavy as I stood in the water and as I closed my eyes I tried to shut out everything beyond the font.  I was trying so hard to concentrate on the moment and push my fear away and try to stop my body from shaking all at the same time, which was not an easy task.  After a few whispered words of encouragement from Elder Dixon, he said what needed to be said and I was under the water.  When I came back up again I felt so relieved, like a weight had been lifted from me.  My fear was gone and I was steady as a rock.  I knew that the next step was to be confirmed and I was beyond ready.

            As I sat down and shut my eyes once more I felt the hands being placed upon my head.  I could already feel that this would be something incredible.  I listened to the words Bishop Hanson was saying and for a minute I had this out of body experience where I didn’t feel tied down by anything.  I felt so at peace with everything around me and knew that my spiritual boundaries were unlimited.  I knew that despite everything, I had made the best decision of my entire life.

            I’m fairly certain that my parents are unaware of the promises I’ve made and how I’ve come to grow from a nourished seed but just joining the church was enough for them.  They’ve made it clear that they want nothing more to do with me, and I’ve come to accept that.  Challenges like this can only make me grow stronger.  I know that there is not anything in my life that Heavenly Father cannot fix.  He may not be able to give me back my family, but he has made it so I have felt the love of other families and I’ve felt his love as well.  I am so thankful to be able to feel His love and I have known the blessings that come from keeping His commandments.  And I know that He will always be there for me no matter what.

            I know that Heavenly father has a plan for me.  It just took me a while to see it.  For a while I kept asking why I didn’t learn all of this sooner.  What was the point in keeping the truth from me for so long?  But now I understand that if I had known everything before I was ready, I could not have humbled myself and been as grateful for things as I am now.  I am so blessed to be where I’m at today and even though I know I will continue to face hardships and struggles in my life, I do not regret my decision to join the church at all.  I know that the atonement of Jesus Christ is real, for I have felt its power and blessings.  I know that the gift of the Holy Ghost is real, for I have felt its presence and guidance.  And I know that Heavenly Father loves me.  I know that this church is the true church and was restored through Joseph Smith.  I know that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God and that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ and is true.  The Book of Mormon changed my life and I know that for each of my struggles I can find the hope I need in within the pages.   If I drink deeply and often from the Book of Mormon I know that I will be able to endure to the end and find my way back to God. And His blessings are eternal and He is the same 
yesterday, today, and forever.  Everyone wants to believe that they can trust their heart, and by reading and praying and asking God, I can fully trust my heart and know these things to be true.  And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.  Amen.